Common Myths about How People Might Experience IPV

Stereotypes and assumptions about IPV can limit our understanding of who is impacted by IPV and how, and can get in the way of providing support to those in need. In this section, we explore some of the common myths about IPV and offer some valuable information that helps to broaden our understanding of people’s experiences of IPV.

MYTH: “No-one I know is in a violent relationship, that stuff just doesn’t happen in my community”. 

Some people may think that IPV is rare and only happens in certain communities. The fact is, IPV is an all-too-common problem that affects all kinds of people and communities across the globe.  IPV does not discriminate. In the United States, on average 24 people experience some form of IPV every minute - this equates to over 12 million victims of IPV each year (1). Over a 10-year period (2003-2012), IPV was found to account for roughly 15% of all violent crime in the United States (2). IPV does not only impact victims, but entire communities and its social and economic consequences are far-reaching. It is also important to note that IPV remains one of the most underreported crimes due to stigma and fear of consequences for oneself, one’s partner, or one’s family (3). 

MYTH: “He’s never hit me, so I wouldn’t consider myself a victim of abuse”. 

The term “violence” is often assumed to refer exclusively to physical violence. The fact is, the term goes beyond physical harm to include the many other forms of violence and abuse that occur between intimate partners (see “About Intimate Partner Violence” in this module). Intimate partner violence is a pattern of power and control. People may never experience physical violence in their relationship. However, this does not make their experience of IPV more acceptable or less harmful. The assumption that IPV must include physical violence can lead to a dismissal of other serious types of abuse that may occur and can prevent victims from acknowledging the need for or from seeking support. 

MYTH: “There is no way he is the victim here, he is twice her size!”

It is often assumed that women are always the victims of IPV and men are always the perpetrators. The fact is, men can also be victims of IPV. It is estimated that in the United States, more than 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime (3). Stereotypes and gendered language around IPV (e.g., women bashing) can erase these experiences and make it difficult for men to seek or find adequate support. This also means that determining rates of IPV for men can be difficult, as men are often reluctant to report their abuse and may be unlikely to recognize their abuse in the first place. Not only do gendered stereotypes about IPV erase or minimize the experiences of men, but they can also harmfully reproduce the notion that men are inherently more violent, or that it is more acceptable for men to perpetrate violence against their partners.

However, it is important to acknowledge women are disproportionately victims of IPV. While statistics vary over time, it is commonly estimated that, in the United States, more than 1 in 3 women have experienced some form of physical violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime (4). This appears to be on average worldwide, where prevalence rates have been found to range from ~24% to as high as ~38% (5). Globally, nearly 40% of all murders of women are committed by an intimate partner. 

Myth: “IPV is a straight issue and doesn’t happen in LBGTQ relationships”. 

People may think IPV only impacts heterosexual relationships. The fact is, lesbian women and bisexual men and women have been found to experience higher rates of IPV than their heterosexual counterparts. The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs (NCAVP) annual report on IPV shows that a majority of IPV victims identify as LGBT+. While less is known about transgender individuals, studies have suggested that transgender people may confront similar, if not higher levels, of IPV. LGBT+ victims of IPV also face a number of unique barriers in accessing services and support. For more information regarding IPV in LGBT+ communities see Module x.

MYTH: “He’s never seemed like the violent type to me, she must have really been pushing his buttons.”

People may think that victims of IPV must have done something to provoke their partner. The fact is, IPV involves ongoing patterns of power and control that often go unnoticed by others. It is rarely a one-time event. In addition, regardless of any precipitating factors, it is never the victim’s fault. Violence or abuse against one’s partner in any form is never justified. Perpetrators of violence often take great care in managing their public perception. Blaming the victim can be another manipulation tactic used to maintain power and control.. Victims often blame themselves and downplay the severity of the violence they are experiencing. Victim-blaming is a serious problem as it often acts as a barrier to seeking and receiving support. 

MYTH: “If it was really that bad they would leave. Why would someone stay if they were being abused? I wouldn’t stay for a second if that was happening to me.”

People often think it is an easy option to leave an abusive relationship. In fact, leaving any relationship can be very difficult. Many factors can make ending a relationship a very difficult decision. There are many valid economic, cultural, social, and emotional reasons why a person might choose to stay in a violent relationship. Factors such as economic dependence; few viable options for a new place to live; lack of support from family and friends; and unhelpful responses from the criminal justice system or other agencies may make it even more difficult to leave.

 In addition, not everyone wants to leave. Many victims of IPV don’t want to stop being with their partner, they want the use of violence and control to stop. T Supporting people experiencing IPV doesn’t always mean helping this person leave their relationship. The expectation that people want or should want to leave a violent relationship can prevent victims of IPV from seeking support. 

Studies have shown that the process of separating from and leaving an abusive partner can increase rather than diminish the danger for victims of IPV and their children. Victims live with threats such as, “if you leave me you will never see tomorrow” or “if you leave me you will never see the children again”. Perpetrators of violence often increase these threats and increase the violence and control tactics if they believe their partner is leaving or preparing to leave. See the module on IPV in LGBTQ+ relationships for more information. 

MYTH: “We all snap under pressure… everyone has their breaking point.”

Many people might think stress causes people to become violent. The fact is, stress is a part of everyday life and all people have to navigate different stressors at different times. People also deal with stress differently and not all people are equipped with the same resources to deal with stress in healthy ways. Larger sociocultural and economic factors can compound stressors for people and can make accessing healthy options for dealing with stress more difficult. However, taking out one’s frustrations and difficulties on others is never acceptable and the dynamics of IPV are far more complex than just stress. For more information about stress and how this relates to IPV, see Module xx (on trauma). 

MYTH: “Children don’t know what is going on if they aren’t in the room.” 

People often think children aren’t impacted by intimate partner violence that is occurring in their home. The fact is, even if children are not present in the room or seeing the domestic violence, they are experiencing it. Research on brain development is providing new insights into how children are impacted by intimate partner violence in the home. Children have a good sense of knowing what is going on with their parents. In addition, studies show that child abuse occurs in 30-60% of family violence cases that involve families with children. For more information on how IPV affects children and adolescents, see Module xx. 

MYTH: “My grandparents grew up in a different time, that’s just how their relationship works”

Many people may think IPV is not a serious problem for older couples. The fact is, IPV can be a serious issue later in life and there are a number of factors influencing older adults that may actually elevate their risk for IPV such as increased rates of social isolation, increased financial dependence, age-related physical and cognitive impairment, and the influence of traditional gender norms. The assumption that IPV does not impact older adults can lead to the dismissal or minimization of IPV and can be a barrier to seeking or receiving support.